It Begins...

In the beginning the world was a molten mass. Now skip forward to 1981 anno dominie, when I was born—because everything before that is static background noise to this blog. In fact, taking stock of the fact that I was indeed born, skip forward now to February 2011. Now you are fully prepared to observe this blog in the proper temporal context.

I was reluctant to start a blog of my own. I often scoff at blogs. Indeed the phrase “you should check out my blog” will often induce me to run screeching from the room. For, to semi-quote Billy Shakespeare, a blog is a tale “told by an idiot, full of sound and fury signifying nothing.” The one redeeming feature of this blog will be its incisive focus on a main theme and occasional pictures of ill-clad men and women with come-hither and sinewy bodies. Though, to be honest, that second redeeming feature is there for a cheap laugh.

All that leaves is a blog with a strong focus. So, let me explain that focus before you lose yours and decide to blow this off and play Bejeweled 2. It is my privilege to commence work with two like-minded, non-conforming no-hopers (see: Artistic Types) to form a theatre production company: Somerset Mills. We have a show in the works that will be part of the awesome Brisbane Anywhere Theatre Festival. We held our auditions last week. Our director, and artistic type, Joseph Sherlock, in a moment of emotional weakness, cast me as the Man. I won’t speak much on the character. But do feel free to buy a ticket to our show, The Fearful, to learn more about him. If you buy two tickets you can see the show twice…or once with extra room to stretch your legs.

In any case, Joseph Sherlock, master of tact and discretion, told me after my official casting that I should get my fat arse into a gym in order to prepare for the role. Now before you audibly gasp at this inconsiderate and emotionless request, do please remember that Jo Sherlock is English.

Seriously though, his request is in no way predicated on my general physical appearance. I’m sure the fact that I look like discontented badger with a hangover is in no way what prompted Jo’s request. He assures me, rather Englishly, that it’s to improve my physicality for the role. There are certain movements that I will need to perform and being in better physical shape will help me to execute those movements flawlessly. That’s what he says. I have no reason to doubt his sincerity. Well, with the possible exception of the time he screamed at Jeremy “Jez” Wood and myself during a spirited game of Texas Hold’em, “I don’t work with fat, ugly, ugly actors!”  So…draw your own conclusions. Starting today, I hit the gym with the goal of becoming the Man. In a fit of shameless promotion, I will chart my progress as ingloriously as I can. Here is an inspirational picture of me and a dumbbell:

Please ignore the non-brand bottle of cream cheese. As I am trying to.

 

See? Authentic, eh? Now you know this blog means serious business. In the days ahead I will bombard you with information missiles, as Johnny D slowly transforms into the Man.